Our brains work in weird mysterious ways. Always coming up with cocktails of mysterious thoughts, perceived realities and unreal illusions. If this were, for one tiny moment, considered a witch’s potion cooked out of a large cauldron then the smokes rising up for this concoction is nothing but the pangs, oohs-aahs and the emotional roller coasters! I am not sure if it is just me, but one of the emotions that fit this bill is love!
We open the gateway of our feelings, thoughts to perceive our surroundings and our life’s needs and allow them to be influenced by experiences we encounter through our own perceptions, other people’s interactions etc., And constantly our mind tries to caliber these inputs and try to blend them in with the realities of our lives and the illusions of our minds.
Love makes the world go round and round in every sense – your head swirling perhaps! Now in such a potpourri, we try to tell ourselves that we are in love! And we convince ourselves that the way the other person makes us feel and how we project our own needs on to them makes for a perfect love scenario.
Alas! This is far from the truth. Most of the candy crushes we experience are nothing but our experience of falling in love with the idea of someone!
Yes, it is true and we don’t quite realize it. If you were to dissect the anatomy of infatuations and crushes we experience, they are nothing but our foolhardiness in falling truly madly deeply in love with the idea of someone (Perhaps the idea of a perfect someone) based on our life’s current realities and needs. All our jitters and feeling weak in our knees and knots in our stomachs and lumps in our throats and butterflies in our gut….perfect fairy tale in the making is all about the idea of someone and this idea has tricked our minds.
And thanks to the digital world that keeps shrinking and shrinking; the virtual veil is always drawn so our truest selves is never shown to others. We always need to put up a façade to prove to the world and trick our crazy minds into showcasing how perfect we are. Not only that but we fall for those perfect pictures of others too (albeit digitally altered or enhanced),
Most heartbreaks stem when the notion of someone fails to live up to every variable that was balancing the equation in our minds about them. They happen because we often confuse ourselves or trick ourselves into believing the frills and fancies of the joyous feelings we experience when we encounter someone who we think might be someone perfect according to us or capable of becoming perfect. We hold on to the ideas of things as we need them to be, our fanciful hopes and start hoarding fragments of dreams one at a time and start doing things to make those happen for real. All in the name of love!
Loving someone but not for who that someone actually is but rather for what we think of them and expect them to continue to be.
Now, there is this concept called, “Confirmation Bias”.
Confirmation bias refers to a type of selective thinking whereby one tends to notice and to look for what confirms one’s beliefs, and to ignore, not look for, or undervalue the relevance of what contradicts one’s beliefs (Ref).
With this type of thinking that most of us are naturally accustomed to, we tend to gravitate towards notions and ideas and the accompanying beliefs and tend to solidify those strongly with each confirmation we see and then we only look for confirmations pertaining to our thoughts and become immune to any other rational thought. This impairs our ability to make the right decisions. (Disclaimer: This is not the same as true signs and inner voices and gut feelings). With this, we can all the more keep finding reasons that align to the feeling of love towards someone. Wait, did that someone wear red on all the days I am happy? And we happen to like red roses. Then we start seeking all the positive emotions relating to red and associate that to this someone and eventually convince ourselves that this is love.
Sorry to break your hearts – but true love isn’t blind and it doesn’t happen that easily. Most often we are desperate to share our emptiness with someone hoping they would fill it with life and then we blindly train our minds to like everything they do. Have you seen people who hate photography start clicking many pictures because they are in love with the idea of someone who they believe has an excellent eye to life because he is a photographer by profession? Just one out a zillion examples or true testimonies.
Most often we are desperate to share our emptiness with someone hoping they would fill it with life and then we blindly train our minds to like everything they do.
We try to teach our minds to accept everything about them and try to make them all seem too perfect. The idea of someone who is extremely funny or super honest or totally cool! But once we spend enough time with this person, our castle in the air crashes and fractures to million bits because the reality is different to our perceived notions. It not only becomes stifling to continue in that state of emotional turbulence but extremely unappealing and painful.
We created the ideas of someone we wanted them to be and they hardly would measure up because they have their own individuality.
Watch out and wake up. Realize the profound truth of true love. It exists for reasons you can never realize or express. True love flows naturally and has no bounds of good or bad moments. It just accepts everything in a simple manner. What we pine in our depths might not always be the togetherness but just the high we get from being in love with the idea of someone.
Wake up to love; open up to love; define what love according to you is. Get absolutely clear. But make sure it is all with someone –mind and soul; flesh and bone; virtues and vice – all pieced together. For better or worse.