Breakupology: The 7 Stages


Undressed my heart

Baring the labyrinth of pain,

Of memories that wash-up

To the shores of my conscious mind

A dagger with a poison tip

Dripping venom of prisoned time,

Making me wander in my own soul

Lost in my thoughts

On a treasure hunt

To find a reason that makes sense,

To wrap myself back again

In the faith of new tidings

That soul love exists,

And doesn’t concede to eclipses

It will outshine the best of me

And it will be mine, someday soon!

Well, this is not typically a topic most people are comfortable talking about. Betrayal and abandonment. Well, the truth is there are more stories of heartbreak in this world and more lost wanderers than there are happy couples. I wish to someday start a social network just for heartbroken souls – just to hear their stories and be their sounding boards. Breakups are hard. Extremely devastating for many. Break-ups are most often synonymous to ice-cream-hogging, pajama-lounging, tear-jerking, lone-living, pity –sulking affair!  It hurts like nothing else does – well, some prefer a root canal treatment with mild anesthesia to a heartbreak. What happens during a break-up? Someone you trusted, loved and cared for suddenly disappears from your life. It crushes all your dreams and expectations. It is like an earthquake shaking and bringing down your tower of faith.

One goes through these 7 stages of coming to terms with a heartbreak.

Phase1: “This is really not happening to me”

You have been let go from someone you considered important! Phew! Like thrown off of a roller-coaster maybe! You might have seen it coming, or perhaps not, or maybe you told yourself you are being paranoid. Anyhow, it has happened but your mind doesn’t believe it yet! You can’t believe it. Your mind will try to convince that there is something wrong about the whole thing and your partner will come around soon enough.

You will sincerely hope that he/she will not last a day without you and come back crawling to you with apologies. No, this is not happening to me – how can it be?  You go through a period of disbelief. Sometimes, comebacks happen but it is never the same again. Most of times, the ones who leave, leave for good!

Phase2: “Damn it, I can’t take this”

You are broken, shrinking down in pain, wallowing in self-pity and crouching under a pile of dirty sheets and a mountain of tissues and sulking in the same pajamas for days together. Not to forget your only appetite is filled with ice-creams and alcohol (for a few). Ouch! You will try hard to cope with the emotional roller coaster you are in and the physical weakness that is engulfing you. Oh well, you want the earth to swallow you alive. Everything you see, everything you do will go and hook up to the thoughts of the one you have lost.

Phase3: “Perhaps, it was all my fault anyway”

You are now trying to rationalize and come up with a logical explanation. You first put yourself under the axe. The one who left you has been successful with gas lighting. You are coming up with a million whys it happened to you and what you could have done differently. Really, not warranted but that’s exactly what you do! Your self-esteem is rocking and everything you thought you are is now standing as a question in front of you. It is like wandering in a room full of wacky mirrors – convex and concave. And you don’t know your way out yet!

Phase4: “To hell with you!”

Now, you have transitioned into a full-stage angry Hulk. You are mad with rage and you are sure you are better off without the one who dumped you. Your mind has now given you a bucket list of all the personality flaws of your ex and start ranking them and tracing them to past events in your life that could have turned for the best otherwise. Your ex is the devil in all forms and fashion. Punching pillows and kicking a ball non-stop becomes your steam-off chore. Gritting your teeth, clenching your fists and screaming swear words on the top of your lungs will be a regular affair for a while

Phase5: “I won’t let go; never!”

You are now trying to do all the stupid things you should never do. You are trying to be the saint and trying to patch things. You write sweet long emails asking the person to come, drunk texting, dialing the number again and again, stalking your ex on all social media platform, trying all kinds of gimmicks to grab their attention and even sometimes trying to false-portray your happy self to make them jealous and come back. You resort to extracting information from your ex’s friends and social circle, try to behave in a way that you think would make your ex come back to you and what not!

Phase6: “It’s truly over”

You are at a point to know it’s really over by now. You miss all the good moments of the past. Pain still haunts you but you are out of the “Maybe someday down the line…” phase. You know that the breakup is real and your ex has moved on. It’s time for you to embrace reality and get ahead too. You have anger, urges to get even, prove you’re a bigger person and all the varied thoughts and emotions that come along with dealing with life’s murkiness!

Phase7: “I love me again!”

You are now healing and coming out of the hell of an experience you have gone through the past few days. You start engaging with friends and begin to read, listen to cheerful music and hang out with family and well wishers. You still miss your ex but you are slowly coming out of the pain. You are now keeping yourself busy and constantly trying to turn the heartbreak into a lesson. You will soon start sharing your new found wisdom with others trying to caution them and you will be a different person on some levels. You are in a new normal. Some get on a new ship; others just stay docked on the shore for a while. But you are back to giving your own self all the importance and you value yourself more to endure any more of mental trauma.

 

These are the typical seven phases of going through a break-up. It’s important for us to give us enough time to get over it. Don’t try to escape reality. Accept, accept and accept – cry your heart out but be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself, your ex and the entire relationship. Be thankful for good times and the lessons learnt and with a whole heart, let go as if you are releasing a balloon. Feel light like a feather and feel a liberation and cherish it!

letgo

The best relationships happen when you are with someone in front of whom you can bare yourself – heart, mind and soul and your partner can do the same with you. When you do not feel shame, fear of judgement, and uncertainty of intentions, when you can be your true self with each other, then you are always in a comfortable space where both of you can lean on one another while standing on your own! You can be independent in a beautiful symbiotic relationship of understanding. You truly care for each other and the well-being of one another becomes important.  In hard times, like a ball against a wall, you will bounce back and come back together stronger. That is the beauty of a soul relationship between both of you. In the end, even if you don’t end up together for whatever reason, you both will be enough comfortable to remain friends without any hard feelings and you would have already made peace with the parting of ways.

 

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