The Best Gift this V Day – “Your Presence”


V Day is around the corner – and there is no way we would miss it. Each retail outlet, each ad on Facebook, each e-commerce campaign thrust upon us will remind us of this every second, paint us with a little bit of guilt, pep us up with a little bit of anticipation, stress us out on getting it right. Or let’s assume for a moment that we hardly care for this retail driven gimmick. Fact is, V Day is one of the top three spending events in India – so the drama is definitely on.

But why are we doing it even more than ever before? Do we want to believe that we express our emotions a lot more now (which is for sure good), or are we compensating for our inability of being fully present in a relationship with a day of splurging?

Being fully present in a relationship – how hard is that? Is it too much of an ask for a generation that boasts about being busy, being multi-taskers and virtually connected all the time? We take pride in “being busy” so much so that being busy has become a confirmation of our worthiness. Relationships sometime gets lost in our long “to-do” list – even when it’s in the list, it’s multi-tasked with many other items on the list. It’s like our email box cluttered with ads and offers we signed up (or never signed up) for and an important email that’s lost in this clutter. Unless this email is marked as “important”, and the useless clutter marked as “spam” – it’s easy to miss that one email that you were supposed to read and respond on priority.

Busyness is the new age anesthesia.  (Anesthesia is defined as a temporary state consisting of unconsciousness, loss of memory, lack of pain, and muscle relaxation.) But let’s remind ourselves that anesthesia needs to be a temporary state.

Busyness shouldn’t numb us from our moments of love, self-realization and sense of everyday wonder. Our worth is not defined by our “busyness”, but our lives are defined by the quality of those moments that we truly “live” and cherish. Our relationships are less defined by the materialistic splurge, and more by the attention we give to the relationship.

We are a generation of “technologically connected” – it keeps us connected with a multitude of people like never before. But, is it always about mindful connections?  May be not – and that’s because even when technology celebrates connectedness, it encourages retreat, it makes it easier to avoid the emotional work of “being present”. So “emoticons” when you really need a hug, an LOL when you actually want to hear a burst of laughter. As a “digital migrant” I might be over exaggerating this phenomenon of being connected far less emotionally. May be digital migrants are still adjusting to the digital way of life. The “digital natives” would be way more comfortable living constantly digitally connected. They would be probably more “settled” in the digitally connected world, and would learn where to draw the lines.

Like the feeling of worthiness, an equally contributing factor to “created busyness” is the “fear of vulnerability”. We try to numb our vulnerabilities by being busy. When people say “I’m too busy for a relationship” – unconsciously are we trying to numb some of our vulnerabilities? As research professor Brene Brown beautifully puts it as part of her extensive research on vulnerability and what we need to understand is that  – “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” 

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions; we also numb the positive emotions. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. Our strength is in our acceptance of our vulnerability.

If you close your eyes and recall times that are very clear in your memory without the aid of photographs, videos, checking old Facebook posts – you would clearly recall each and every bit of the moments when you were fully present, the moments you were vulnerable and the moment of mindfulness.

This my friend, is the greatest treasure each one of us would ultimately have. So, in the midst of the clutter let the V Day remind us to – Pause, Feel, Savor and be Present!

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