Having grown in a broken home (as in always getting caught in the cross fire of two ever-fighting parents), I always wondered (to the point of having no expectations whatsoever from a married partner) may be this is how it should be – we aren’t meant to be happy and peaceful. Just the way they keep repeating in several holy books – we are all sinners. We do not have the right to smile!
Being used to the heavily dominating ‘defense personal’ dad, it took years for both my brother and me to adjust and get ‘normalized’ in the society. And more importantly, take our own decisions – in matters that concern our lives or careers, especially life. It took me long years’ wisdom – that probably came with age or having faced death first-hand or both – to start loving life.
In 2008, just before I was about to go abroad for my higher studies, I met the most wonderful girl – for the second time. I had met her before (having been colleagues, briefly – but that was couple of years back). This time, I saw her in a completely different light and was surprised as where she was hiding all these years.
This time, I saw her in a completely different light and was surprised as where she was hiding all these years.
Back then, with every condition stacked against us, all we could do was to promise each other to wait till things get normal. And as we waited, she continued with her career here while I struggled with my student life there. Only thread that held us together was the will to stay committed to each other – as if we had something to prove to the world.
Our’s was a long distance relationship for most of the period. We would be on phone 24×7 (Thank God for ‘Top-up Calls’!), giving each other every little detail of our respective daily lives. Thinking up of all kinds of ‘stupid-to-the-world-but-special-to-us’ little surprises to keep our relation alive. We also wrote, more importantly. (I don’t understand when people say ‘I can’t write’ when I ask them to ‘write if you can’t talk’ – I mean we are only talking about pouring your heart out, not about writing a literary piece). Writing long letters/mails helped us to understand each other better than talking. And then we fought!
Every little squabble, every little argument, every little quarrel – brought us even closer – every time we stopped fighting and made up. We didn’t have eyes and ears for anything else. The relation to us was our very life.
I wouldn’t say we were alike. I was nothing like her. She always talked sense. I never even thought that way. She is smarter at managing finance. I am hopeless when it comes to saving money. She is much more grounded, I get excited easily. That’s an irony – considering the backgrounds we came from. Her household had a laid-back attitude towards everything in life. They mostly lived in the present. While we were brought up like it was a boarding school, and not a home – to us, my brother and me, school time was an escape. In her own thousand little ways, she complemented me the way I never expected would happen to me in my entire life!
In her own thousand little ways, she complemented me the way I never expected would happen to me in my entire life!
Let me add a little wisdom here. Most people don’t realize what they are talking about when they say we are quite alike in our tastes and interests – e.g. I have heard people quite immaturely quoting – we both have similar hobbies. Or, we like the same kind of movies. Or, this one’s epic – our favorite colors are the same! I don’t know if they really matter much – in a relationship. You can very well have different interests and still have a healthy relationship – this way you also get to give something new to your partner that they can’t have for themselves!
She gave importance to those very little things that I had importance for and the vice versa – probably that’s why we lasted so long. Even without any formal ties.
Now friends often ask me – how we managed to pull it off. That’s no secret as such but most people do manage to overlook these thing. It’s just that when together, your (combined) outlook or attitude towards life needs to be alike.
This is one thing I always tell anyone who care to listen is – to have a ‘fight’. To understand where the equation of your relationship lies, have an argument, lead that to a full-blown fight, sulk for a while, then try making up – what you get as a result is what is left of the relation!
I keep hearing people harping on love and passion and other stuff that attracted them towards each other. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But how long do you think would these last, without respect? I seriously feel respect is the booster that make us, try countless ways to continue falling in love with our own partner. Or, keep ourselves on toes to continually remain attractive for them – to keep the passion alive.
Respect is the booster that makes us, try countless ways to continue falling in love with our own partner.
When you have respect, you take care not to hurt each other. And if one gets hurt, its respect that makes you ‘empathize’. Because that’s when you realize the need to kiss and make up – every time you have an issue!
When my wife and I decided to get married in 2012, we had two choices before us – we could either waste our lives waiting endlessly for someone’s indecisiveness or we could build a happy life for ourselves and prove ourselves right.
To me, my marriage is definitely a blessing. And after all these years, I have (finally) made up my mind to have a laid back approach to view things. I have become calmer. I have learned to let go. What’s more, we are busy enjoying the new-found parenthood – yet another reason to thank each other countless more times!
Once, while we waited, I asked her why she was taking all these troubles, waiting for me, fighting the world. She said, ‘I am not waiting for you, but living because of you’. No one else had said or done anything like that before – let alone finding me okay enough to love me.
She said, ‘I am not waiting for you, but living because of you’. No one else had said or done anything like that before for me.
Friends who’ve known me for ages, even my brother, sometimes, tell me I have changed, a lot. I don’t feel any change about myself though. Probably because, when you change, you are usually the last one to know that.Well, if others do find me changed, then maybe I have. But I feel good about myself. I think I have come to believe in true love – a love that transforms, transports and transcends.